Blaming oneself

Posted on 30 Jan 2020 @ 12:52pm by Lieutenant JG Lina Sorensen

1,413 words; about a 7 minute read

Mission: Epilogue
Location: Alora Nasek's quarters
Timeline: January 2nd 2390

Lina was walking up and down the corridor. Whenever she stopped in front of the door to Alora Nasek's quarters, she hesitated for a second and headed away again only to return again a few minutes later.
Since the Dolmoqour incident, she had not been able to talk to the Bajoran engineer. Lina had done her best to avoid any conversation with her, she had even tried to avoid any meeting with Nasek.
"This is ridiculous," Lina said to herself and eventually pressed the door chime.

Alora raised her head from the wooden Porli, a bird native to Najor, she'd been working on. She liked wood carving. It was calming and could be done anywhere with a hunk of wood and a small knife. She placed it on the table carefully with the knife before calling, "Come" towards the door and moving the trash basket, catching the wood debris, to one side then standing.

She wore comfortable pajamas and was unselfconscious about it. People wanted to come on her time off they got what they got.

When the doors opened and gave way into the Bajoran engineer‘s quarters, Lina hesitantly entered and remained right at the door. “Hello, Ensign!,“ she started feeling ill at ease. “I hope I don‘t come at an inconvenient time,“ Lina added as she noticed that Nasek already wore her pajamas.

Alora shook her head, "No just taking a lazy day with my off time, would you like a seat? Something to drink?" She asked on more hospitality autopilot than anything while she tried to figure out why her Chief was there. After the events there'd been too much to fix and do for her to think on it much. Though she'd been frustrated with herself when she'd found out the Chief and a few others had been compromised. That would explain why she hadn't gotten very far and she had kicked herself for not seeing it sooner. She could have done more and felt like a complete idiot for not knowing or doing more earlier. She'd needed to learn to pull her head out of her work once awhile and learned it she had.

And in typical Alora fashion tried to plan to do better next time. Considering what happened elsewhere on the ship she knew she'd been lucky all the Dolqmour in her Chief wanted to do was keep the Ensign from underfoot and not just kill her outright. Or have Alora acting as a host, that was creepy thought that liked to pop in every once in awhile.

Well by the time things had settled she come back to find the Chief still avoiding her, she'd figured it had to be weird for the Chief too and was giving it time.

Lina shook her head. “No, I‘m fine, thanks,“ she replied refusing a drink, but she slowly walked over and took a seat. Then she sat there trying to find the right words that did not seem to come to her. “Actually, I don‘t really know how to start,“ she admitted openly after some seconds that had seemed like a millennium to her.

Alora blinked and found her own place to sit. She wasn't used to superiors showing this side of themselves and didn't know how to handle it in that respect but she did know what to do when someone wanted to talk about something difficult so she shifted there, "Well the beginning is usually good." She said gently.

Lina just took a deep breath and looked at Alora directly. " I, erm, I just wanted to say sorry. Terribly sorry... for what happened." She coughed slightly.

Alora nodded, she'd learned about about what had happened elsewhere on the ship and so she was honest. "You were not in control of yourself. It could have been a lot worse and wasn't. To be honest I should have picked up on something sooner myself." She knew something was off but not to the degree it was. She'd been too focused on her job. "I knew something was off but not that..." She was a bit embarrassed truth be known about how much tunnel vision she had at the time.

Lina shook her head. "Don't blame yourself now. If you had acted strangely in the eyes of the... thing that controlled me, it would have killed you right away." The young women sighed. "You are right. I was not in control of myself, but that is exactly what bothers me." She looked Alora directly in the eyes. "I was not able to do anything. Nothing at all. I was totally helpless, but I was able to see and experience everything that the Dolmoqour did." She sighed before she could go on. "It was my hand, it was my voice - it was me who did all those terrible things... although I was not in control."

The young woman shook her head again. "That must sound totally weird or even mad, I know. I just had to talk to you and say sorry."

Alora stood and moved over to sit next to her Chief on the couch, hands resting on her own knees. "I try to imagine what those taken over went through, I don't think I can completely but what comes mind is a kind of helpless violation." She said somberly, her expression seriously thoughtful. "No control while they ran through your most personal thoughts, making you do things. No reasonable person could blame you, I know that doesn't help but you were a victim too." She said her voice sympathetic. She was more annoyed at her inability to determine a problem, something she was working on fixing, than she was at the Chief.

“Noone blamed me, but me.“ Lina knew that Alora was right, but reason was one thing, emotions another. She could tell herself all day that she was not really to blame, she nevertheless felt guilty. “I just had to talk to you.“ Lina actually felt a bit better now that she talked to the Bajoran engineer. “I hope you don‘t think that you have a weird and unreasonable Chief now.“ For the first time in weeks, Lina was faintly smiling.

Alora gave a small smile, "I would think you weird if you didn't feel that way." Her face got serious again, "When I was a child I had a nightmare that I couldn't move, freaked me out in ways I still don't like to think about. You guys were living the nightmare, from what I hear some for months."

"It is still not over," Lina admitted openly. "But it's getting better, slowly but steadily." She took a deep breath with her eyes closed, then she opened them again, slightly smiling. "And it is an enormous relief for me if I get things back to normal especially with engineering and my team."

Alora nodded, "Nothing to make you feel like you've got your footing again than the familiar." She agreed. "If it helps I've not heard any ill will about you, best I can tell there's a lot of sympathy. Just keep communicating with us, have plans, ask input. We're all aware we're in the same boat." She smiled, "Literally." Just realizing the pun she'd unintentionally made.

Lina grinned. "I know. And that is exactly why I needed to talk to you. It would not work if we could not really work together as a team anymore just because... I had to think about that incident.", Lina said.
"Now, I really do not want to steal more of your free time," The woman said and stood up. "Thanks again for listening. I see you tomorrow on Alpha shift."

Alora stood as well, "Bright and early, gotta keep ahead of chaos." She said ready to move forward and giving the impression of a kind of solid reliability. One who could be counted upon to support. It would be engineering's job to keep this ship as safe and shiny as long as they could. Something they could only do if they united as a team and continued to have each others backs, to learn from the past but look to the future. "No rest for the wicked or the fixers." She quipped.

Lina grinned. "Indeed.", she said and then left. As the door shut behind her and she was standing in the corridor again, still smiling. She felt better - for the first time in a long while.

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