Removing the Stain

Posted on 03 Mar 2026 @ 2:57pm by Lieutenant T’Mari Rael & Lieutenant Commander Camila Di Pasquale

1,303 words; about a 7 minute read

Mission: Epitaph
Location: Counseling
Timeline: July 16, 2390 || 1400 Hours

Camila knew she needed to get things off of her mind and there was only one place to do that. Counseling. The place she dreaded going and had memories to prove why it was a bad idea. Still, she was getting to the point where she had to get help. She couldn't dink She didn't have a personal life. All she had was duty and it was slowly grinding her down.

Now she found herself outside of Counseling and pressed the door chime, a shudder running through her as she thought about what she wanted to say.

T’Mari was already sensing the feeling of dread coming from the other side of the door, as she walked up to the door greet whoever was on the other side she opened it to reveal the surprise sight of Camila. “Hello Commander, please come on in and make yourself comfortable.”

Camila looked around the office, taking note of the furniture placement, the motivational aspect of it, the nurturing aspects, the color tones. It was all designed to put someone at ease and that was the last thing it did to her. She knew the Counselor could detect her emotions and that they were a hot mess, so she made no attempt to hide them. She swallowed and gave a nod, then chose a seat at random, feeling that whichever one she picked was a test of some kind.

"Thank you, Lieutenant," she said. "For seeing me, also."

“I’m always here for those that need to talk” T’Mari smiled warmly as she took a seat. “If you need any refreshments feel free to help yourself, whatever makes you feel more at ease. I can sense your emotions are a jumble, what can I help you with?”

The ombre haired woman held her hands out, which were visually clean with well trimmed fingernails and a few callouses. "I need help getting the blood off of them," she said softly as she looked down at them.

T’Mari nodded. “Okay, let’s see what we can do. Tell me all about it and we’ll go from there.”

Camila shook her head and looked up. "I don't even know where to start. I joined Starfleet to protect people and all I've been doing is sending them to their deaths. I can't even protect the people who are the most important."

“You know as well as I do Camila that, that isn’t true.” T’Mari offered a caring gaze. “We were all fooled by those doppelgängers, there wasn’t even anything for me to pick up, or put a finger on. As for why you joined Starfleet, you know as well as I do that the worst scenario to face is the one where you have to send out people who aren’t going to come back.”

"It goes beyond this mission, Counselor," Camila said. "No matter what I do. No matter what protocols I put in place. No matter how cautious I am. I fail every single time and more people die. I've done horrible things trying to protect lives and it only ended in more people dying."

T’Mari nodded. “You’re in an unenviable position Camila, as Security Chief you and those under you, have the job of protecting the entire ship. You’ve done what you’ve had to do, the fact that people have been lost isn’t your fault. We all knew what we were getting into when we signed up for Starfleet, no one wants to lose their life, but if you do so saving others then it’s a hell of a way to go.” She offered a brief smile. “What you have is survivor’s guilt, and that is going to take some time to work your way through.”

"How do I even start?" she asked. "I see them in my sleep. I hear them in my memories."

“That’s understandable, and Human.” T’Mari smiled. “First of all you need to start by forgiving yourself, you feel guilty for surviving when they didn’t, and that’s normal. If you didn’t feel anything I’d be worried. None of us wants to die Camila, but we do what our duty says we have to do. I know that’s probably not making you feel any better, but that’s what we all signed up to when we joined Starfleet. Unfortunately you are in the unenviable position of being the Officer who gives those orders.”

Camila nodded. "I know that I went through the training and every scenario and what I could expect, but it seems like almost every time I make a decision, no matter how thought out it is, is doomed to fail. I feel like I'm not capable of making a good decision now and more people will die."

T’Mari nodded. “In your place I’d feel the same Camila, but if you give up now you’ll always have that lingering doubt of whether or not things could have improved. Have you considered taking some time off, to clear your head and get a fresh perspective?”

She gave a rueful laugh. "The last time I took 'time off'," she put air quotes around the words with her fingers. "The Commodore shanghaied me back to the ship and I was trapped again."

“I’m sure we could arrange something, even if you spend a few hours on the holodeck getting away from it all.” T’Mari smiled. “I would prefer a complete break for you though, just to give you a proper break.”

"I don't have time for that," Camila stated. "Every hour is spent trying to make the ship and crew safer any more."

“Camila you need time to yourself, to decompress and relax” T’Mari gave her a look that said she wasn’t kidding. “You have a whole department to help you with that, start delegating some responsibilities to others and stop bearing all the weight alone.”

"Are you going to force me to do it if I don't?" the ombre haired woman asked, knowing it wasn't the first time that she had been placed under a similar order. "I'm the shield of the ship and the arm that fires in defense."

T’Mari shook her head. “Force gets you nowhere, I’m not going to push this on you but I would prefer if you could take more time to yourself, give yourself the space you need to heal and recover. If you don’t then you’ll eventually reach the point where you’ll end up wishing you had, then it’s going to be a much longer path of healing for you.”

Camila sighed, her emotions still a jumbled mess, but she felt that the Counselor was right. She wasn't being pushed or forced, or even coerced. She was being told what she needed to do. "I'll....try." It was the best she could offer with the work that lay ahead of her before the ship left dock.

T’Mari nodded. “Then that’s good enough for now if you should need me my door will always be open, it doesn’t matter what time of day or night.” She smiled warmly.

"Thank you," Camila said as she came to her feet. "If...if you have a spot for me on your schedule, I'd like to try to meet once a week."

T’Mari nodded. “I’ll make sure you’re booked in for the same day and time each week, to make it easier on your schedule.”

"Thank you again, Lieutenant Rael," Camila said. She knew she had a long way to go, but she now committed herself to it. "I'll see you next week at this time." With a smile, she headed out.

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