Coping with things present, past and future

Posted on 05 Jan 2020 @ 11:02am by Lieutenant Commander Arjin Djinx

953 words; about a 5 minute read

Mission: Epilogue
Location: Sickbay
Timeline: MD 15

Present.

Arjin kept helping with the injured whilst around him the ship was still in turmoil and the recapturing was all taking place.
He kept focussing on his job here. Prefering to leand a hand helping those in need over using (the needed) violence elsewhere on the ship.

His basic Starfleet training had given him enough knowledge to do so. And besides it kept his mind occupied. Away from the atrocities he had seen on the bridge and elsewhere. Yes, he had knowledge of such atrocities. But seeing them in person was an all other thing.
He kept lending a hand until everything was quiet again. Well as quiet it could be under the circumstances. Even if it meant going on during multiple shifts.

After the crisis was over he just went to his quarters and crashed onto his bed. Hoping he could turn off the voices and images inside his head.

Future

He grunted when the lights came on to wake him an half hour before his shift begun. He wanted the lights to go away and leave him in peace. He wanted he could sleep the whole time and did not have to get up. He wanted he did not have to go to his office and interact with other people. He wanted he did not have to see the others after his humiliating restraint at the bridge. He wanted he could quit. But unfortunately neither his pride nor his enlistment would permit that.

Luckily he did not have to be on the bridge for now. He could hide into his office and arrange things from there. Hiding was exactly what he was doing. He did not want to see anyone if he did not have to. He suspected his failure on the bridge would been known by everyone by now and they were laughing behind his back. Every time he passed someone in the corridors it felt as if they turned their head and he felt their gaze burn in his back. So he had been sticking to his office to do his job and to his quarters for the rare downtime he permitted himself.
Off course this did not help much. At work he could keep most at bay behind his office door. Telling them to put their questions in writing and sending them to his console. If he really needed to let someone enter for an urgent matter, he was short and to the point in his answers. Not open to any interaction beyond the job at hand.
The off time was even worse. He had trouble sleeping, so he resorted to medical means. If not sleeping he constantly heard the disapproaving voice of his father.

Past

"Will you never learn Arjin? Why do you always have to disapoint me like this? What have I done to deserve such an ingrate Son?"
Each time the words felt like a lash to his body.
Turning towards his mother for help was impossible. She worshipped his dad and would do nothing to anoy him. On the contrary, her silence only enhanced his behaviour.
Worse than the words were the silences. Accompagnied by disappointed looks. No matter what he did, he always seemed to disappoint them
When he had been chosen for joining he thought they would be proud. But all it did was remind him of his own failed attempt.
Chosing Science over a Diplomatic carreer did only fuel the silence and disappointing looks.
When he graduated at Starfleet, his aunt and uncle where there. But his parents had been away on a diplomatic misson.
His choise for Starfleet had been a flight from their dissapointment as much as an intrest for exploring the unknown.
But the feeling of being a disappointment had been baked into his Dna never the less.
He had coped with those feelings. And Djinx helped alot in soothing them.

Future, but now present.

He stepped out of bed and got into the shower. Another day at the office awaited.
His glance swept over the chaos in the room, unlike how he liked it. But he did not find the strenght to cope with cleaning. If anything it reflected the chaos in his mind. Dressing he did in a yesterdays uniform. Not too wrinkled, but far from his past spotless appearance before.
He kept being angry. Another thing that was unusual from him. Djinx tried to help with it, be he held the symbiont as much as possble at bay. It was unpossible to do so fully because it was a union, but he did his best to keep Timor and Reeza's thoughts and experiences at bay.
The mayhem aboard had fueled thoughts from Timor recently. Things Arjin wanted to not think too much about. They made him think about Kij. Not Kayla, but a former host. He did not want that. It was forbidden to go there and it would interfere with his work here. Besides that was another person he, wel not really he but then again he, had also disapointed

All he wanted was to punch something to feel something else. Djinx held him back. And beside if he hurt his hand, he would have to go to sick bay and he would see Kij. That would not help much. It would not hold him off his work also. The injury would be quickly remediated. His job was more cerebral than physical. Maybe he should bang his head against the wall, then he could stay in his quarters.
He shook his head instead. Stupid pride would prevent that. Maybe he should go see a Counselor. But that would mean seeing people and talking to people. Two things he did not want to do.

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