I'm Fine. Really.

Posted on 26 Jan 2017 @ 6:22pm by Commander Jayla Kij & Commodore Harvey Geisler

1,361 words; about a 7 minute read

Mission: Endgame
Location: Sick Bay
Timeline: MD11 || 1500 hours

"Stay out of my head!"

Jayla was sick to the teeth of feeling like her mind was being invaded. She was tired of feeling like ripping someone's head off one minute and feeling despondent and alone the next. She needed to get to the Symbiosis Commission, but that was out of reach. There was always searching Gavara's memories, but her mind shrank from that option. No. She would save that for a last resort.

With an agitated sigh, she went back to what she had been doing, which was trying to work on a casualty report, but the amount of dead and injured just made her more angry, which distracted her and made her think of Belar.

As the ship was currently traveling at high warp for the Hadyn Nebula, Captain Geisler had cancelled the red alert. Life on the ship was starting to return to normal, well, the Black Hawk's definition of normal anyway. A darker fate awaited them on their return as it meant rejoining the fight against the Consortium. Until they were removed from their strongholds, the crew of the Black Hawk, and the rest of Starfleet in the Gamma Quadrant would be forced to remain imprisoned in the Gamma Quadrant, separated more than 35,000 lightyears from the Federation.

At least, in Harvey's view, it beat being trapped in this unknown universe.

But that was the least of his concerns. With the threat of the Confederation and the rush to find the Cochrane no longer looming over their heads, Harvey had to follow up on a matter that was brought to his attention from a few hours ago. It was time to find Doctor Kij.

As he walked the corridors, he realized that the last time he had spoken to her on a one-on-one was when they'd mutually decided to end... whatever it was that was between them. He wouldn't let that impact their conversation, though it just as easily might do that.

Harvey Geisler entered sickbay. Though wounded personnel were present, the numbers didn't seem as bad as they were when they'd first entered this dimension. And, even then, it wasn't as bad as during the Yolvandan outbreak. Vowing to count his blessings, he looked around for Doctor Kij, only to spot her through her office window. With a bit of trepidation, he approached the open doorway and knocked.

"What?!" snapped Jayla at the same time she looked up. "Oh, captain. I'm sorry, I... I'm sorry," she muttered, averting her gaze.

Harvey brushed aside the outburst for now. Before he went for the personal, it would be prudent to start with an update. "How'd we wind up?" he asked, referring to the casualties.

"Not- not bad," answered Jayla flatly. "If I remember correctly, we only lost one from the Chimera, but my memory is rubish lately, so..." She trailed off. "Bast is on the mend," she added.

"That's good to hear," Harvey replied. The thought of losing another member of the crew... well... he didn't want to go there. "You look like hell, Jayla," he added.

"Yeah, well, you're not so hot yourself," she muttered and regretted it almost immediately. "No, no. I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I'm just... going through some personal stuff right now."

He wasn't phased by her lack of formality. After all, just a few days ago, their relationship had been quite different. "Need to talk about it?" he asked her.

A pained expression crossed her face and she shook her head. "I don't think anyone can help," she said sadly. "At least not anyone I can actually talk to."

"We do have counselors," he pointed out. "Doctor Stuart specializes in trauma, if memory serves correctly." In fact, Jayla should have known that since both women operated in the same department.

"I have an appointment," said Jayla almost defensively. "I know what counselors are for."

"Then why say that you don't have anyone to talk to?" Harvey asked, entering and sitting in front of the desk. "I've confided in Doctor Stuart... things I've rarely told a soul."

Jayla went through several explanations as to why she didn't think Stuart would be able to help, but nothing could really sum up the entire situation in any less than ten minutes and she really didn't want to dwell on it that long. "It's... complicated," she answered lamely.

"I know what it feels like having to open up to another officer, especially one so close," he said, recalling his own struggle in opening up.

Yeah, because I'm sure whatever you had to talk about was as difficult as dealing with a previous host who likes to take over your body when he thinks you can't handle the situation, she thought. But all she said was a very lame and small, "yeah."

Harvey didn't press the issue further. "Chief Rasputin delivered your report this morning," he said, changing the subject, albeit to one not absolutely different than the previous one. "She seemed... concerned about you."

She huffed. "Concerned isn't the word I would use," she said flatly. "More like hates."

"You and I must read the Chief very differently then," Harvey remarked. "If there's one person besides me and Commander Teixeira who have to interact with all of the Senior Staff day in and day out, it's her. She'd be one of the first to notice that someone's about to crack. Hell, she's called me on the carpet about a few different things."

Jayla had finally had enough of this conversation. "Why do you even care?" she demanded angrily. "You didn't want me anymore!" She immediately wished she hadn't said that, but instead of retracting it, this time she simply clamped her mouth shut an looked away.

His eyes widened, surprised to see that emotion from her. "Why do I..." Catching himself, Harvey turned and closed the door to the office. "It was never a question of wanting. I've been a broken man for years, Jayla. This ship... this crew... has forced me to realize that. As I told you that day, I have to put myself back together."

She should have apologized and explained that she totally understood. She should have told him all about what was going on in her head and with Kij. She should have trusted that her friends would help her.

But, she was too afraid, too embarrassed. So, with tears stinging her eyes, she simply said, in a quiet, terrified voice, "please just go away. I just want to be alone."

Harvey frowned, rising from the desk and turning towards the door. He didn't move towards it, but remained still for a moment or two. Finally he turned towards her and said, "Look, I know this is a rough time. It is for all of us. But, when it comes to the crew. You've got to hold it together. My door's always open if you need me."

"I'm fine," she promised, voice a little stronger as she dashed tears away from her eyes. "I don't need anyone."

The Captain shook his head. "Then show your department that you are," he firmly told her. He didn't want to relieve her as right now he needed every hand. But if it was better for the crew that she was placed on medical leave, he wouldn't hesitate to do so.

With that, he left the room.

Jayla resisted the urge to have a good cry. She would not cry over someone as unimportant as Harvey Geisler. She wouldn't give him the satisfaction.

But then her mind went to Vorian and she couldn't resist anymore. She buried her face in her hands and cried. It didn't last long, though. If he couldn't appreciate her, then he wasn't worth her tears! In fact, if she ever saw him again, she was going to punch him in the nose. He wasn't worth her time and thought.

She carefully collected herself with a few deep breaths and glanced at the PaDD in front of her to see the report she had been working on. A casualty report. Damn. That was depressing. She braced herself for the task and went back to it.

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